Vacuming Faux grass and scaring small children

For those of you who don't know I have been home a lot the last few months. So with things being slow in the traveling department I took on a job at Target to kill some time and make some extra bucks when I am not on the road. That is where this story begins.


So in this new Job (The above mentioned Target) I am put in contact with people I normally wouldn't get a chance to be around... Normal people, children, and normal people with children. These groups tend to stay away from me because one, I am unattractive even by strange people standards, two, I am scary to small children, and three, I don't really like children and don't have much to say to them. (They also are scary to me. I have this strange fear that they are looking for ways to crucify me and/or are at least thinking of ways they can grow up, take my job, (target/rock star), and leave me in a nursing home.

Side note: These fears may come from the fact that my Nephews did try to crucify me once while playing a game they called "soldier". This game has nothing to do with guns and war and normal boy stuff. Let's just say, I was Jesus... Strange... but that is a story for another time.

The point is this, I have been exposed to a lot of little kids lately. They don't normally bother me. I on the other hand scare the crap out them.

I have had many long stares. You know the ones with that, "what the crap is that" look in there eyes. The glassed over look they give a mall Santa or the Easter bunny.

I have also had them stop, stare, and then run after their parents like they had just seen a ghost, the boogieman, or McGruff the Crime Dog (ok, that last one might have just been my fear as a kid... another story for another time)

My Favorite, though, was the little girl who could barely speak (maybe because she was young. Maybe because she was full of terror).

She just kept saying, "Mom, is he a mean man? He is a mean man. Is he a mean man mom?" over and over again while her mother tried to frantically move her cart away from my ear shot while telling her young daughter to "shhhhhh".

These events in the normal world of Target have confirmed what I have thought for years and have given me some incites into them as well.

First, it was confirmed. Yes, I do scare small children.

Second, It as given me incite in to maybe why that is.

Here are the options I have come up with:

1) Kids, like dogs, can since that I am bad person.
2) Kids, like dogs, may be able to smell my fear of them.
3) Maybe in my Khaki pants and red shirt I look more like the devil then I thought.
4) I am as ugly as my father has told me I was all these years
5) I in some way resemble the boogieman.
6) Like vampires, the smell of onions/my B.O. causes small children to run away.

And last and the one I think is most likely

7) I resemble the villains ii most kids shows, books, and movies. Think about it... long hair, lazy eye, evil eye brows, Evil Soul Patch, not in good shape like nice people, smells of onions.

I am the classic villain.

No wonder kids want to pee their pants when they are in my area. I would pee myself if the bad man I saw on my TV was in my isle stocking valentines candy on the shelf.

After all, they do say, don't take candy from strangers... let alone evil villains.

Below is a pic of me beside some classic villains. What do you think? Do I fit in well or what?






P.S. Part of my Job this week was vacuming Faux Grass. That was odd.

Vacuming Faux grass and scaring small children

For those of you who don't know I have been home a lot the last few months. So with things being slow in the traveling department I took on a job at Target to kill some time and make some extra bucks when I am not on the road. That is where this story begins.


So in this new Job (The above mentioned Target) I am put in contact with people I normally wouldn't get a chance to be around... Normal people, children, and normal people with children. These groups tend to stay away from me because one, I am unattractive even by strange people standards, two, I am scary to small children, and three, I don't really like children and don't have much to say to them. (They also are scary to me. I have this strange fear that they are looking for ways to crucify me and/or are at least thinking of ways they can grow up, take my job, (target/rock star), and leave me in a nursing home.

Side note: These fears may come from the fact that my Nephews did try to crucify me once while playing a game they called "soldier". This game has nothing to do with guns and war and normal boy stuff. Let's just say, I was Jesus... Strange... but that is a story for another time.

The point is this, I have been exposed to a lot of little kids lately. They don't normally bother me. I on the other hand scare the crap out them.

I have had many long stares. You know the ones with that, "what the crap is that" look in there eyes. The glassed over look they give a mall Santa or the Easter bunny.

I have also had them stop, stare, and then run after their parents like they had just seen a ghost, the boogieman, or McGruff the Crime Dog (ok, that last one might have just been my fear as a kid... another story for another time)

My Favorite, though, was the little girl who could barely speak (maybe because she was young. Maybe because she was full of terror).

She just kept saying, "Mom, is he a mean man? He is a mean man. Is he a mean man mom?" over and over again while her mother tried to frantically move her cart away from my ear shot while telling her young daughter to "shhhhhh".

These events in the normal world of Target have confirmed what I have thought for years and have given me some incites into them as well.

First, it was confirmed. Yes, I do scare small children.

Second, It as given me incite in to maybe why that is.

Here are the options I have come up with:

1) Kids, like dogs, can since that I am bad person.
2) Kids, like dogs, may be able to smell my fear of them.
3) Maybe in my Khaki pants and red shirt I look more like the devil then I thought.
4) I am as ugly as my father has told me I was all these years
5) I in some way resemble the boogieman.
6) Like vampires, the smell of onions/my B.O. causes small children to run away.

And last and the one I think is most likely

7) I resemble the villains ii most kids shows, books, and movies. Think about it... long hair, lazy eye, evil eye brows, Evil Soul Patch, not in good shape like nice people, smells of onions.

I am the classic villain.

No wonder kids want to pee their pants when they are in my area. I would pee myself if the bad man I saw on my TV was in my isle stocking valentines candy on the shelf.

After all, they do say, don't take candy from strangers... let alone evil villains.

Below is a pic of me beside some classic villains. What do you think? Do I fit in well or what?

STOP THE CYCLE... 20 years is enough!!!!

I am not very political at all. Heck, I can barely keep up with all their names let alone what they believe in. I usually try and give them each nicknames to help keep them straight in my head. I give them names like Osama Bama lauden (the black guy from Kentucky), old rubber face (sen. from AZ John McCain), or wife swap (woman that claimed to be a feminist only to let her president husband bang a lot of chicks so she could run get her chance to do the same... what's her name?... Hillary something). There is also the Mexican guy that looks like the Indian that plays in all the movies (I’ll try and put a picture at the bottom), the white Kansas corn bread guy that I will call George the third, and the NY guy from the terrorist stuff...gulliani or something like that

Anyway, my point is. I don't really care that much about that kind of stuff. I voted for Bush twice because he was going to be the least annoying over a four-year span.

With all that being said. I want to ask all my friends to stop the cycle of bush clinton bush. This whole Bush Clinton thing has been going on for about 20 years and our country is worse for it. It is time to give some other smuck a chance to screw up the country. Do we really want to keep the same bad blood in the oval office for another 6 to 12 years? I think not!

So, I don't care who you vote for as long as it doesn't end with Clinton or Bush. Got It. If you can do that we can stay friends. If you can't... don't call me.

Here is the pics I said I would add:

Bill Richardson

I know it is not Christmas but this made me laugh.

A friend found this on Youtube. It is a video someone put together using a song my band did for Christmas. Very Funny.

So your church organist called me gay...

Let me start by saying that I have been accused of being gay at least three times in my life. I also realize this is a few more times than the average straight person gets called gay in a life time. Normally, if someone told me that they had been called gay that many times I would say to them, "Maybe you should think about the vibe you are putting off", or " maybe you should consider it as an option". However, let me explain how these three came off and why I am not consider it as an option.

First one was when I was in junior high. You have to picture me shorter, about the same weight, and still as ugly as a rotted out 2x4. You also have to know that I have always thought some what highly of myself even as a fat, ugly, guy (I was born with self-esteem. I can't help it). This being said and me being on the cool side of the band nerd spectrum (I played Saxophone) I attracted the weird, the strange, and the ugly. It was as if they new I should be in there league. I how ever never caught on to that fact. They flocked to me like bugs to a light... a very chubby ugly light.

Anyway, some ugly chicks don't like to be turned down by guys that shouldn't be so picky. I turns out when you do turn them down they justify it by telling everyone in school that you are gay. Luckily for me junior high kids don't trust ugly band chicks.

Number two hit a little more close to home. Actually it hit in my home. As usual it came from my dad. You know, the guy that told me I needed a bra, accused me of being on Drugs, and then had me blood tested for it. Yup, that guy.

Now normally if my dad called me gay I wouldn't think anything of it. His humor is much like mine and usually involves calling people names not thinking about if it hurts their feelings or not. It is good thing he had all boys.

This time, however, was a little different. He had know idea I was around. He and my mom were fighting in their room and I overheard him telling my mom that she made me gay. Now, don't be too hard on my dad, I was a high school junior that hadn't had a girl friend and had no prospect of ever getting one. However, what my dad didn't take into consideration was the fact that I wasn’t attractive or popular. Girls just didn't want to go out with me(that was unless they were super ugly and or were lower on the food chain than I was, and I was not going down that road.). So that was time number two. I'll spare you any more details than that.

Now, for the big one, number three. This is the one that involved the before mentioned Organist at the church I went to visit this last week. (Yes I am finally visiting churches again... if anyone knows of one in OK city that the organist will not consider me gay let me know... on second thought, maybe no organist at all.)

Ok, so in college my Friend Greg and I (we were close friends, not broke back mountain close, but close none the less.)we signed up to work at a church camp. I should mention it was a Baptist church camp and that it was well known that I was not Baptist. The camp director even made a point to let everyone know at the first meeting that I wasn't Baptist but that he was assured that I would not try and teach the kids how to speak in Tongues of fire and that I had good baptist folk in my blood line (I added the fire part for dramatic effect but the rest is pretty much a quote). Anyway, about a few weeks in to camp, before the kids even showed up, me and my friend Greg were doing our normal goofing off and having fun while we worked thing when we were called into the head directors office where he told us that the way were acting street wise kids would think we were funny (just so you are clear. He did not mean funny ha ha). He also questioned if we were Christians at all. By weeks end Greg had left the camp. I stuck around to do the Christian thing and cause trouble. I was only allowed to sell candy, not to teach kids or whatever else needed to be done. I wasn't allowed to be in a lot of contact with the baptist children. I still became a camp favorite at the camp by giving away free candy. The End...

Wait, I thought it was the end until I showed up at this church a block from my house and there he was. He was playing the organ and staring at me with his fake head of hair and his beady rat eyes. I think he was trying to place me.

Did I mention I was part of getting him removed from his position as camp director? Yup, that was me, the gay man causing trouble for the Baptists... (Just to clarify. I am not gay and have never had sex with a man to my knowledge...not that there is anything wrong with that.)

I will not be going back to that church... THE END

What made the two towers fall.

I was looking for things on NYC I came across this. It is very good and makes some good points. If you have some time to blow watch it and let me know what you think.

NYC HERE I COME and some stuff like that...

I am leaving for NYC this week. I am kind of excited. It is kind of like going home for me. I know that sounds strange since I have only been there once and spent only a few hours actually in the city, so Let me explain.

I travel a lot, as most of you who read this know. This means I live a life of hotels, not knowing where I am at or where I am going, and meeting strange people all the time. I live out of a suitcase and am always on the move.

Now, I have been at my real home for a few weeks now (two whole weekends in a row) and I have realized that I am starting to feel very off. It is strange to be home. I feel bored, restless, and anxious. I think I have been in one place for too long... Is that possible? Is it possible I could really feel more comfortable away from my house than I do at it?

Don't get me wrong. I love being able to see my wife and my dog, well my wife at least. The dog is a pain in my A**. He bites me, humps me, and barks at out fence like it is made of arabs (that was a little off color. Maybe I should go on David Letterman and say I am sorry while I am in NYC).

Where was I... Oh yes.

It is just that I am so used to being around strange things and strange people ( I am not talking about arabs this time so back off) I eat in gas stations and sleep in a different bed every night. Being home and not on the move feels wrong to me, very wrong.

So, what I think I am trying to say, bad racial jokes a side, is that it will be nice to be on the move again. To see something new. Something that doesn't have the "okie stench" to it.

On this trip I will have the pleasure of sharing a bed with a girl (yes my wife). Sleeping with guys is not that great. We smell,We hog the bed, and it is impossible to cuddle up for warmth with something that has hair on it's back. Not sure what gay guys get out of it...

okay, so I got off track a little there. It has been a while since I blogged. I will try and keep it better updated after I get back from the big apple.

good night and good luck. I will spell check this later... not that I will do a good job of that when I do it.

EDd

The lips!!!!

Went to see the flaming lips in OKC this Friday. My back was hurt, I was on some serious pain meds, I had a great time!!!!

Here is a video and some pics of the UFO landing in Oklahoma City. We were about half way back in the venue. There were just as many people behind us as in front of us. Large crowd, great show, a lot of fun!
























Me, Mrs E, and our two good friends Greg and Ash with our light up whistles from the lips...oh, and a light up shot glass a couple of hookers were handing out.

where does grace end, oh, and snakes on a plane!

So, let's get the jesus stuff out of the way first. Thanks to my lovely wife and her need to study everything and be a smart person, Some of my God issues... (the stuff that I try to avoid because me and God aren't getting along so well at the momement, and this will probably only make it worse... questioning his bible people never seems to help bring us closer)

Anyway, we have been talking a lot about, and I have been thinking a lot about (I try not to think to much about this stuff anymore as well. It hurts my head and makes my child like faith get older and more angst filled... I think my faith is about 15 now and is starting to listen to Nirvana)

Sorry, getting back to my point/question.

Where does Grace end??? Where does Christ sacrifice stop?

If you say it doesn't then please explain...

OKAY, Now to more important issues:

SNAKES ON A PLANE!

I saw this with my Friend this weekend. It was a great time. You have to love a movie where people are yelling and cheering and getting into it. It was great fun. I would definitely sit though it three more times before going to see "the two towers", I mean "911", or whatever that movie is called about the buildings and the guys surviving and that whole bit.

Here is another good question for you:

If you had to watch one movie over and over for the rest of your life and your choices came down to "the passion of Christ" or "snakes on a plane" which would you choose?

I know what my choice would be, and no it would not have slow motion falling or midget babies. It would, however, have a naked girl getting her boob bit off by a snake and a cursing angry black man being the way God created him to be!

p.s. the video is a song of the snakes on the plane album. It is a pretty good song. check it out.



THE END

Jim and George, father and son? you decide.

Strange.